Things change, yet they stay the same
Gone – flitted away. Taken the stars from the night and the sun from the day!
Gone, and a cloud in my heart.
~Alfred, Lord Tennyson
Ethan, today, as I recognize the 4th anniversary of your death, as always, you are missed with every fiber of my being.
Even after so many years have passed, I continue to seek that peaceful place here on earth, somewhere I might rest my battered heart. I teeter dangerously upon the thin, dilapidated fence separating the stillness from the chaos, the horrible – yet familiar – pain of the past and the frightening uncertainty of the future.
You were my calm before a very dark and most perfect storm. Years alone in a sea of change have left me discombobulated, terrified of each and every passing cloud. Yet for that I have become wiser. I have finely honed survival skills that I could not have attained any other way. I have learned to embrace the small things of beauty, little moments of joy. Those are the things that matter. For the wise know to take the small things of beauty and little moments of joy and knit them together. You’ll have something wonderful to wrap yourself up in when the weather turns cold. It may even be big enough to share with those who stood around waiting for the big explosion of happiness to come while letting those small and seemingly insignificant moments pass right under their noses. Ah, yes… Those storm clouds have silver linings…
Now that I am once again safe upon friendly shores I’m trying to get it together. How can something that unravelled so quickly take so very long to untangle and put back together again? And you know what? It doesn’t matter which way I put it all back together, I can’t make it look like it once did. I’ve tried so many times that I’ve lost count. And therein lies one of the most important lessons. I’ve stopped expecting it to look or feel or be the same. It is impossible. But I *think* it can be good. I sure hope that I am right…
As I carry on with my life here – for however long I might be granted the privilege – know that you are always with me. I may not carry you on my sleeve as I did throughout the earlier years, rather, I’ve learned to comfortably carry you in my heart, deeply embedded in the softest places of my soul – which is where the most beautiful and cherished memories belong.
My love for you is endless, and my hope is that you are in a wonderfully peaceful place….
