Words Like Violence, Break The Silence

So the title of this post is culled from lyrics of a song that is really about the spoken word and how much the words we say can hurt one another, when in fact, we would rather judge ourselves and our relationships by our actions, our surroundings, rather than the things that we say (we’d all be best if we just shut up, basically LOL).  However, I feel that you don’t have to have a conversation with anyone to feel the sting of words.

Today I did something that, while some of you may find ridiculous, was something that took me a couple of years to actually do.  I changed my Myspace status to

Single.

Myspace, in it’s infinite wisdom and want to socially include everyone, oddly doesn’t have a status for widows/widowers.  Yes, ladies and gentlemen, they have a status for SWINGERS, but not widows.  I guess they, too, think widows and widowers are old gals and geezers who spend their afternoons at the senior center, playing checkers and comparing snapshots of their grandchildren before heading out for a late supper (at 5PM) at Applebee’s.  Not young, hip men and women who hang out on Myspace and keep their friends in the loop via Twitter.  

A-holes.

 

 

Anywho, for most of this time since losing Ethan I had my status set as “in a relationship”.  I didn’t want to seem as if I was in denial by continuing to list myself as “married”, and I was aware that, technically, I was no longer married, however, I couldn’t have felt further from single.  I think it was honest to state that I was “in a relationship”, because I really feel that I have still been in a relationship with Ethan, and until I reconciled the idea of no longer being in that relationship, that was the best way to describe myself. 

Approaching two years since losing him, I feel that now is a good time for a status change for a couple of reasons.  

First, and most notably, I am truly coming to a place where I no longer feel married to my husband.  I miss him terribly, but I don’t feel like his wife (I will post separately about my feeling about grieving the loss of Ethan vs. grieving the loss of my marriage).  I am solo parenting, and making all of the decisions that we would have made as a couple, on my own.  I am responsible for taking care of our family and home, financially, on my own.  Although I always consider what Ethan may have thought about this or that decision, that question, or subsequent answer, does not dictate how I function nor does it ultimately keep me from making a decision to do something that I know will benefit me personally, or our family overall.  Of course this could be because I think, for the most part, that Ethan would have agreed with me on many of the decisions I’ve made, at least the major ones (probably a testament to our marriage, despite whatever issues we may have had during it’s course).  As cliched as this sounds, I truly DO believe that he would want me to do what is going to bring me and the girls happiness, I know this because he strived so very hard for that while he was alive, I can’t imagine he’d want anything less in his death.

Secondly, and far less important, is the idea, especially at two years out, that I may be indicating that I am in a NEW relationship.  As many people at my stage of the journey are either already dating or stepping back out into the world of dating, it’s been indicated to me more than once that I was giving off some sort of signal that I am in a relationship with a new man.  For the record I AM SO NOT, nor do I know if I am ready yet to wander down that road.  At least, not for now.  

“Not for now”, you say?

Yes, not for now.

I don’t know what my life has in store for me.  But my relationship with Ethan taught me many things.  One of those things is that I learned how wonderful it is to have someone with whom to share my life, my world with.  Someone who loves me completely for all of my positive attributes as well as all of my faults.  Someone I’m not afraid to talk to about my life, my past with, who won’t judge me for my mistakes.  Someone who can accept with an open mind, and appreciate, where I’ve come from, and the person that I’ve worked very hard to become.  

For so many years before meeting Ethan I thought I would be okay with being alone.  As a matter of fact, I believed until I met him, that I would spend the rest of my life alone, that marriage was not “in the cards” for me.  I stopped thinking about the life that I would one day have “when I got married”, but rather, the life that I needed to begin building for myself and my daughter (and, having crossed over into my 30s, I was quite a bit behind the ball at that point).  Now I find myself, (despite the best of intentions by the both of us) once again on my own, now with two children – a teen and a toddler – and once again thinking about the life that I better get to building for us.  As much as I do not wish to close myself off to the potential that I may stumble into some sort of partner at some point in the future (LOL), I don’t yet know if I am really ready for all of that at this point in my journey.

By changing my status to “single” I’m not indicating that I am “on the market”, or “actively looking” or whatever, it just means I’ve come to terms with the idea that I am no longer Ethan’s wife.  Just another step along this road I travel, without a map, on my way to some unrecognizable destination…